Honesty Gap
Clarity begins where pretending ends
"What if I don't really want to be the best version of myself? That sounds like too much work."
The question was directed to me during a recent interview about elite performance and our mental toughness research. He wasn't referencing a (ridiculous) attempt to achieve perfection but rather questioning his willingness to address the central cornerstones: Move, Fuel, Rest and Connect. The host was wondering out loud whether he believed improved outcomes were worth the effort. In my decades of addressing the subject across every possible setting, it may have been the most honest question I've been asked.
Such honesty provides a valuable starting point. It saves everyone (most notably you!) extensive time pretending, promising and postponing. What do you really want? Not "want" as in a list for Santa. Rather, what desired outcomes go beyond simple words to drive consistent actions? Until we answer that question, nothing else really matters.
And therein lies the problem. Or perhaps the problem is in our lies (to ourselves). We "say" we want to be better - to become the best version of ourselves within one or more of the F5 (fitness/fueling, finances, family/friends, faith or field of play). In reality, however, we'd rather talk about it than take the steps required to bring it to fruition. My interviewer was being honest - he wasn't willing to put in the work... and that's OK.
Our conversation eventually widened to cover broader topics like the economy, careers, health, and the mounting headwinds facing many groups today: recent grads, mid-lifers, retirees, and more. While these challenges are real at a societal level and cultural change matters, the more pressing question requires a shift in focus to the N-of-1.
Life is hard. It's always been hard. Maybe that's the point. Or maybe we're missing the point. Ease was never meant to be the destination. It is the breath between intervals, the stillness following the strain, the quiet reset waiting in the shadow of each hard-won climb. Perspective gets lost as we sit in our air-conditioned couches, swiping through our phones or watching an endless stream of TV shows (or both simultaneously). The N-of-1 approach disconnects our screen-driven passivity and puts us face to face with... ourselves. It shifts the focus from "life isn’t fair so I'm stuck" toward the actionable "what choice can I make today - regardless of what others do - that will move the dial?" It taps into Steve Jobs' mindset that when you factor in vision and work ethic, much of life is malleable.
Regardless of what our peers suggest or the headlines promote, life is malleable - I am malleable. Whiners aren't looking for solutions - they're recruiting others to join the (pity) party. And headlines? Always remember they are designed to garner readers, and sympathy - not accountability - is much more effective in drawing us in. However, if we turn away from these siren songs to identify a clear vision and live out a consistent work ethic? Now we're onto something! Malleability isn't some magical Disney-like transformation. The word originated from the Latin word "malleare," which means to hammer. Hammer! It's transformation under pressure - not something handed to us on a platter while we recline and reach for another grape.
Honesty requires a different approach...
I can’t complain about being stuck in a dead-end job if I’m just going through the motions, clocking in and out day after day like everyone else.
Age no longer gets the blame for fitness declines when my ongoing habits involve minimal drivers of that fitness.
I can’t claim to want to improve my marriage if I’m not even willing to do the dishes.
And blaming the economy or generational trends for my financial struggles loses credibility when I go month after month without an action plan.
If I don't want to put in the effort, to pick up the hammer - to take the steps involved to change my relationships, finances, fitness, career, living situation, athletic pursuits, or another aspect of life - THAT IS OK. It is simply a choice - a reasonable choice. We all - myself included - make various choices about what to prioritize and what to set aside during this phase of life. But that choice, then, also necessitates a decision to set the complaints aside. Pouting and passivity don't mix. Step up or settle in. Moving forward means being honest about the choices we're making rather than pretending someone else made them for us.
"There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true" (Soren Kierkegaard)
Honesty with ourselves about what we truly value (demonstrated by our actions, not words) breaks through both of these barriers. It shatters the tendency to put the blame for our circumstances on others and it brings us face to face with the individual who has the opportunity to turn the page or select a different book altogether: Me.
Not done yet?
Prove it.