Remember Your Five
Capacity, influence, and an unfinished story
“Remember your five!”
Those three words were my attempted contribution to our niece’s journey through her first year of college as our extended family gathered for dinner over the holidays. They mimicked the primary guidance I provided our three kids as they entered the same phase (most of their best advice came from Suzanna). The words are a reminder we - for better or worse - become the five people with whom we spend the most time. This applies to essentially all aspects of life, including work, play, fitness, fueling, curiosity, and everything in between. Show me the people you hang around and I can show you your future.
But our already wise niece turned the question around: “Who are your five, Uncle Brad?”
Oof. It’s always easier to give advice than to live it. I stumbled through some answer at the table, but the question stuck. Who are/who have been my “five” throughout the first 59 years here on earth? Exploring the answer opened my eyes to some interesting patterns and made it clear I’ve got a big gap at the moment.
Intriguingly, Kierkegaard noted the self is not an entity but a capacity. As a capacity, or potential, the self is often better understood as a verb than a noun. With that in mind, perhaps there’s something in the discoveries for both of us as we select the adverbs influencing our capacity through life’s second half...
1 - Our five shift over time. Here are some of my own trends:
Parents, neighbor kids and athletes dominated the pre-teen years.
Friends, teachers, books and musical artists took hold over the next decade.
In my 30’s and 40’s, Suzanna’s influence blossomed, while co-workers, training partners and authors played an expanding role.
My PhD supervisors stepped to the forefront in my 50’s, complemented by Suzanna’s guiding light, more books, and a couple of close friends.
Entering my 60s, wisdom from our adult “kids” is growing, along with the expanded role of books. At the same time, a gap - one I’d managed to ignore - was forming (yes - I’ll get to that).
2 - Your five aren’t limited to friends and family. As mentioned, music and insights in books have always (always!) been part of my five. Lyrics taught - and still teach - me to dream, opening my eyes to possibility; books tap into wisdom across time.
3 - Friends (and we) change. Sometimes it’s due to shifting paths. Other times it’s a realization the previous mutually engaged friendship has pivoted and the reciprocity has eroded. It’s meaningful to remain a caring sounding board. Simply realize the unidirectional relationships may no longer be part of your “five.”
Related: Appreciate - but don’t live in - the past. This is a lesson I’ve been slow to absorb, unwilling to adapt to peer groups as they naturally change over time. Sometimes, moving on becomes the necessary decision.
4 - Technology’s influence. Steve Jobs’ innovative product release in 2007 (the iPhone) often displaces our five. Social media can rapidly and easily open the door to unvetted influencers quietly capturing a spot in our five.
5- Intentionality. Whether we realize it or not, our choices determine our five, and our five determine our choices. The question isn’t whether our five will affect (drive!) our future. The question is whether or not we’re being intentional about WHO is driving that future.
So what was my gap discovery as I wrote this? While I’ve been intentional on the informational front (books and podcasts), fortunate on the inner circle front (Suzanna and our adult kids), and open on the curiosity front (music, authors, researchers), I’ve neglected the deeper connections outside of family. Yes, I’ve been purposeful about engaging with a wide range of new groups since our move to a new city. Running club events, local university options and small groups through our church have been valuable in expanding the width of my circles. However, I’ve neglected stepping out of the boat and into deeper connections. That is clearly the important gap awaiting my response.
Is your own potential gap coming into focus? Here are five reflections to help you remember your five as you move forward:
Write down your five. Seriously - writing them down creates clarity. It forces us to consider the reality of what’s floating around in our heads.
Are the names on the list nudging you closer to or further away from the vision you have of your future?
Are the five all in a singular tribe (political, fitness, religious, academic, etc)? If so, that’s a sign worth reading...
Who might make a solid addition to your five? Why?
What’s the first step to an upgrade? I texted a friend to meet for coffee/lunch while writing this article based on my own gap. How about you?
With each passing year, our circles - and thus our capacity - naturally shrink and solidify. The alternative? If we’re awake, curious and brave enough to step into deeper water, our five can still move us forward and remind us... we’re not done yet!
PS - Dr. Cooper has launched a new project - The Catalyst Lab: Tiny Sparks. Enduring Insights. It provides 4 brief highlights (Explore, Discover, Leverage and Reflect) in a 60 second read. You can access the initial version here and subscribe free of charge if you find it to be of value. Thank you for your encouraging support. We hope it makes a difference for someone.